Stories of Survival.

Discussion in 'News and Current Events' started by FloGold, May 1, 2013.

  1. FloGold Moderator

    Here is a little space for anyone who feels like they need to share their stories of loss, grievance, healing and moving on with life.

    I can speak for everyone in the OpInnocence team when I say we think about Child abuse survivors all the time, and we will gladly be here to be your wall, shoulder to lean on or whatever you needs us to be. Always<3

    I personally cant recall any instance in my childhood where i was sexually abused.
    I guess I got lucky that way so i don't really have a story or survival to share.

    All I can offer is love,compassion and support.

    Feel free to share any insights you might have about surviving after the storm.
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  2. jonnyfreeze Member

    Its hard to put words, to describe how I feel, so i guess i will just tell some of the story. i was an alter boy, at age 10 about 2 months into service one of the priests started to call me into his changing room. At first he would go over my uniform with his hands saying he was "checking to make sure that you have put this on correctly". As time passed it things esculated, I will save you the details but you get point. He told me "that this is between us and God only, telling anyone would be a sin" and I was "doing Gods work". At first i felt really dirty, but worse than that, after awhile I didn't feel anything, just numb. I can't keep a girlfriend because I still can't shake my intimacy issues. I guess Everclear put it best (even though he was talking about his dad leaving him) when he said "I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame".
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  3. Anonymous Member

    Fighting pedophiles with anger helps relieve the pain, nothing I've found makes it go away.
  4. carrolskeri Member

    I'll give you a little background, so you realize I'm speaking from a place of first hand knowledge, so have a strong sense of empathy.
    Born on the wrong side of the sheets, raised on the wrong side of the tracks, I was raised in circumstances ripe for sexual exploitation, and I was, repeatedly. Now me being a nerd and all, while fighting my own personal demons, I did a LOT of research.
    Being sexually assaulted as an adult comes with its own trauma, both mentally and physically, but as a child, it's much more damaging neurologically. To try to make it as layman as possible, a child's brain is still "mapping". The Amygdala is not yet developed, the frontal lobes are not yet developed, add a trauma such as ours, to an under developed brain, and dude, we got issues...O.K...especially when the perpetrator is someone we are supposed to trust, respect and comply with.
    If I may, I suggest doing some research on the terms I mentioned above and how they influence synapses aka mapping. I also recommend a therapist. And not some county run mental health dept. one, whose only existence is only to justify their existence. And preferably one that specializes in EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing.
    Good luck to you...
  5. Anonymous Member

    But the brain is not you. The brain serves only to absorb shocks, it is an unreliable servomechanism of the Thetan's. At best. Gaining access to full control of brain through Scientology auditing would help people overcome much of the trauma you are referring to. By understanding how the Thetan acts to pull in assault and abuse, even a child can learn to better manage the reality which facilitates those awful things.
    This message by Anonymous has been hidden due to negative ratings. (Show message)
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  6. carrolskeri Member

    You can’t seriously be referring someone, who was abused by a theological hierarchy, to another theological hierarchy, only this time have their mental health being correlated to their ability to afford auditing and the different levels required, to attain ones highest spiritual level. Left to the interpretation of another individual, based on a third individual’s interpretation, of whether this other individual has met the criteria of their highest spiritual level. And what if the third parties highest level is corrupted? No, no room for error there. And your brain not being you but some unreliable, abstract, etc... sounds awfully akin to the same babble other religions have been espousing for centuries, in some lame attempt to avoid accountability and somehow absolve people for the choices they make.
    What you claim auditing does, I and a multitude of others, have found through asanas, pranayama, dhyana, and mantras. We didn't need to join a cult to do it. Nothing was asked of us in return. We weren't expected to alienate our friends and family because they don't agree with us. Too, if Scientology is so great, why do they have to recruit? Shouldn't their exceptionalism be enough of a witness to the greatness of Scientology? But most importantly, what I and a multitude of others believe is based on science. Honest to Goddess science. Not some illusion of science, so obscure, that Scientology attempts to bully into silence, anyone who attempts to expose it.
    If it's on the Scientology approved watching list, I recommend What the Bleep!?_ Down the Rabbit Hole, The Secret Beyond Matter and Where Science and Buddhism Meet. You can also research the benefit of asanas and pranayama on the body. Scientology also propagates meditation, just with an E-meter and electric volts, aka Shock Therapy.
    But, just out of curiosity, if Xenu was capable of intergalactic travel, wouldn’t he also have had a more efficient way to eradicate billions of people than to paralyze them, cart them off clear across the galaxy and blow them up with Hydrogen Bombs dropped into volcanoes? Would he not have a more proficient means of reprogramming the Thetans than a 3D propaganda movie for 36 days? And man, if that doesn’t have some semblance of The Tower of Babel to it.
    But I guess everyone has to have something right? Christians have Jesus, Mormons have Moroni and Scientology has Xenu…wow.
  7. Please, dont use this thread to argue with people.
    This is a place for those who are hurting to let it all go so they can be at peace again.

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  8. carrolskeri Member

    My apologies, you are absolutely right...
  9. Incompleted. Member

    In Grade Seven at my school, there used to be a teacher who (around 50/60, I was never really sure) would get all the girls in his class to go into a dark room in the library and do 'stretches' on the floor with skirts. He used to get incredibly mad if you refused to do it, and us being young at the time were very scared of him. In the end we all banded together and got him removed from the school, as we all told our parents about the situation. I'd like to know where he is now, and whether he's still teaching.
    Another seperate incident happened to me and my sister when we were about five occured at our local shopping center. We were in the chemist and a man was in the other isle, which had a fairly large gap between it and the floor. According to the security guard who alerted us to the situation, the man in the other opposite isle was trying to take pictures of myself and my sister. At the time I was to young to understand what had happened, but my mother was incredibly distraught.

    Love and care to all the people who have been affected by such situations. If you're uncomfortable in any situation, tell someone, even if it's on an anonymous forum like this. There are always people out there who would love to help you, even if you feel entirley alone <3
  10. FloGold Moderator

    Thank you for sharing your story Incompleted.
    And BRAVO to you and your grade school friends for standing up to the would be abuser. Its not often you get a chance to feel that self empowerment of telling a potential abuser off. Im glad nothing too serious happened to you, and Im glad to have you here with us.

    And dont worry, as long as Im brathing and have acces to the internet and this forum, no one that comes here will feel alone ever again.
    Much love
  11. Incompleted. Member

    Thank you, FloGold. I'll be around here as much as possible and am willing to help with anything that comes forward.
    Love to you too!<3
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  12. Silent333Eyes Member

    I was surprised to see this section. Not sure why. Anyway, as mentioned by another member, it is difficult to put into words, especially when you can't see though the foggy wetness of tears. I am growing in super saiyan level through the seconds of life so I will share my story. If it means it can help another not drown in this so called survival of memories, I will do it. The tears and pain make it worth the struggle to take care of these non humans.

    My memory is quite clear, I was about 3 or 4 living in a small town of Caguas Puerto Rico. Imagine what you see in those vacation pictures...and por shit and blood all over them. That is what I think about when I hear, see, smell, or taste Puerto Rico. This memory has clouded the very existence of an island that is small enough to disappear. My cousin, his face so clear in my mind. He was about 17 when this happened. Hide and seek was the game, don't tell is the shame. My father was in the military so we moved around a lot. Puerto Rico seems to have been the 3 place I lived before coming back to the states. We left when I was 5 or 6.

    Fast forward, my mother was looking for a church to go to since we moved and were settling in. She found a church. Age 10, already having experienced this horror of deviancy. Again, this time I feel like I let it happen. This time I actually knew what happened comparing to what already happened to me before. I told my mother, she talked to the person. Maybe I did not make it clear enough what happened, again hide and seek was the game. He tried to apologize while in church before the meeting began, I hid in the bathroom and refused to talk or take his apology. Nothing was done from this.

    Over the years of being a teenager were lost in this hurricane of pain. Mother and father going through divorce. Me, diagnosed with depression, pills to take, routine to maintain, smile to force. I became promiscuous because I thought I was supposed to act in that manner. My relationships were based on sexuality, no connection involved, if there was hint of connection I would disconnect. I was also drugged and raped when I was 17, later became pregnant by him but I made the decision not to keep the baby. Something I regret a lot.

    February 2012, diagnosed with bipolar after I was having bad behavior and thoughts after having my daughter. Not safe to go outside, not safe to feel safe, not safe at all. Became obsessed with researching bad people, mainly these types of life ruiners. I became angry very often, locked inside myself, drowning with the windows open. I had a husband, I made a mistake because of a manic episode. Not caring at all, never meant to be anyway. Self destructive behavior for a very long time and was trying to self medicate. Went to counseling for almost a year or so, was a good thing for me as it helped me and my anger, not enough though. Now I am stronger than ever, but nothing can take away those memories, I feel guilty for being able to remember so well, these memories. I know it is not my fault, I know this. But it doesn't matter how many times someone tries to tell you that, it does feel like it. I deal with the memories better now, it gets easier to distract but not g=forget the innocence that was lost. Who am I really? That is up to me but the path was forced out of my life really early.

    Now days, my daughter is 2 and a half. Every time she gets to an age that I remember of a case I have heard or when she gets closer to the age that it happened to me I get really depressed. She is almost 3 and I have heard disturbing stories of ages before much rage can that sentence hold in your tongue? I, however, try to enjoy the good things in life, that is what I have that is better than these memories, this spam folder in my head.

    This is my story, past present, and now future.
    My innocence was lost, so so lost and I mourn for that little girl that could have been. But that is what I do for those lost memories, I mourn and move on to what really daughter and making sure she is happy. I am grateful for the strength I have in me now, not because of what happened (I will never congratulate those monsters and their actions to my attributes), but because I did not give up on myself to be happy. This is my life now, I will control what is mine, I will control my anger and use it for helping others. The update on the two child molesters has come to light. I reported the second one to the church and something has been done, not sure what but I will find out. The first one i personally talked to since he is my cousin, he apologizes but does not feel he did anything wrong. I am disgusted by that, his self denial I see right through. The rapist is in the military, he was my best friends boyfriend, I feel shame from that very much.

    Sex to me is different I suppose. I do not feel arroused or I feel too arroused, comes with the bipolar. I am currently in a relationship and I feel supported in some ways but sex to me is still difficult, I go through the motions, I react, yet feel nothing from it, it is a void. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

    In this time of my life I do not watch the news but the news comes to me even when I don't want it too. I get emotional when I hear of another child. I pray that they have strength because right now that is what I have. Whoever has gone through this and reads my post please believe that you are stronger than the memories. You can make it through the day without thinking about them for even just a second. Every single day I have either a memory or I have a fear, every single day this happens. I will not let it stop me though. I thought that confronting them would help but that cannot be possible for everyone and it cannot help the wounds all the time. Just move forward with what makes you happy. Find an interest, take in as much knowledge as you can in this life before that is lost as well. Don't let the void get to you. Another thing I have been doing to help myself and others is by spreading awareness. For my birthday I do not ask anything for myself but I ask that people donate to a good cause for abused children. It brings more joy for being born than any amount of gifts I would have received. Trust me, it is better to give than receive, give those monsters and bad memories a kick in the head. You will enjoy it much more. Happy thoughts I bring to you.
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  13. Anonymous Member

    Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it brings you some peace to release it here, as much as I hope others who may read it will benifit from your candour. May you and your precious daughter have as much peace and happiness as life can offer.
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  14. i was abused first by a neighbors gardener at the age of 3 i didnt realise what was going on but thought what he was doing was strange. then my father started abusing me age 5 - 7 (not sure exactly) he told me that my mum knew and that this happened to every child but familys were not supposed to talk about it, around 9 i was finally big enough to fully rape without there being too much physical evidence, this went on for years till my mum finally found out what was happening. i knew by her reaction ( she sat waiting for him to come home from work with a carving knife and an axe) that she had no idea and blamed herself right up till she died. i have had a lot of emotional problems but i was lucky in the fact that i KNEW i did nothing wrong so had no problems talking about it at first, it was other peoples reactions that made me feel i should be ashamed of what happened which led me to become borderline schio (yes i cant spell it) it took me years to come to terms with it and sort my head out ( all help i had sought, from the age of 16, of an official nature did nothing to help me so i helped mysel)f. ive been lucky enough to come across more survivors and used what i had learnt to help them and continue to do so. i still have mental problems sometimes but that go's with the territory i suppose. my main drive was that he had wrecked my childhood but i would be damned if he was going to ruin the rest of my life so i had a long hard battle but i won ;0) i know from myself and others that the worst part is they concentrate on the pleasure centers so the victim ends up feeling guilty for feelings they had no control over, WE DID NOTHING WRONG OUR INNOCENCE AND TRUST WERE USED AGAINST US, THE FAULT IS NOT WITH US. stay strong and dont give up n peace to all x x x
  15. White Tara Global Moderator

    Thank you for sharing your story. It seems to me you have won. You may bear the scars forever, however the transition to helping others dealing with the aftermath of the same or similar ordeal is a great sign. It bodes well for you that you are capable of helping others through this and can identify that there was no culpability on your part at all. I wish you peace and happiness going forward, and hope you continue helping other survivors as you continue healing yourself.
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  16. Silent333Eyes Member

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  17. Anonymous Member

    I think you put your finger on a very important point. How your surroundings treat you is very important.

    I was lucky, me and a mate was actually kidnapped when we were in 2nd or 3rd grade and dragged to an abandoned barn. It sounds all very dramatic, but really it wasn't. The perpetrator was a known local lowlife (I guess he was 14 at the time). He and two mates dragged us into this dusty room and he demanded me and my friends suck his dick or receive a thorough beating. The details are a bit hazy now (it's almost 40 years ago), but a scuffle broke out between the three kidnappers and one of them got trashed quite badly. The leader of the gang didn't get much sucking out of us though, both my mate and me knew this was wrong, despite having lived a very sheltered and innocent life.

    Eventually we escaped, and to my surprise, there were lots of adults waiting outside. I guess the guy who got the beating told someone what was going on. My mate and I found a way to sneak past all the adults and went home. I told my father, and he very calmly took me to the police station, where an equally calmly officer interviewed my mate and me.

    Many years later my father told me the officer were furious that he was able to press charges. The offender were a minor, and according to local laws (I live in Europe), he got off scot free. My father and a few other adults later made a call to the perpetrators family and (again very calmly and rationally, my father was a kind and quiet sort of man) told them that if their son did something similar again, he would he to pee sitting for the rest of his life.

    I really have no trauma from the episode, nothing at all. I think the serious, but not sensational way everyone, particularly my father, treated the incident is the key. Damn, I miss the old man!

    Many yeas later I saw the perpetrator again for the first time since the kidnapping. I was on my way to the Uni when suddenly cops came running from all directions. I reckoned there had been an arrest of sorts and stopped to have a look. To my great surprise they dragged the "suck my dick"-guy up from the subway. He was drawn and skinny like only long time drug addicts can be, but there was no mistaking that ugly rat face of his. Being a young student, full of new impressions and with new and exciting prospects for the future, the contrast to the hateful, skinny, spidery thing they dragged up from the underground was dramatic. It was a good closure as I ever could hope for.
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  18. Silent333Eyes Member

    I am feeling a bit overwhelmed today with the child abuse stories I see popping up. Any advice?
  19. Anonymous Member

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling the way you have been.

    Its a common occurrence, for both those who have been victimised and for those who have not. A saturation of coverage in the media and places like here is an incredibly important part of keeping abusers on the run so to speak. However it can leave us all feeling disheartened and overwhelmed from time to time.

    I suggest a Temporary tech and media sabbatical might help you regain your strength. My hope is you in short order feel renewed of strength and return here to join us. ((((HUGS)))) Silent333eyes.
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  20. Silent333Eyes Member

    Thank you for the response. :) And I agree with getting overwheled at times. I can usually handle it because I constantly have my goal set-spread awareness. However, just like having to much of a good thing can be bad, the same can go for the bad. It is not as bad as it used to be though. I would really freak out to where I would not show up to work and just lay in bed numb...not even crying. I do have a support system when I need to talk so I feel that helps. I just can't fathom how people look at a child and make that decision to hurt them.

    I would also like to add that a tech sabbatical sounds nice but I have my schooling online so it makes it that much harder to stay away. I just need to consciously make the decision to step away from news for a while.
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  21. Anonymous Member

    Focus on the stories about what people did to stay strong, the stories where there was justice of some sort, or engage in tracking them down. I agree that unending stories about victims is not helpful.
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  22. Silent333Eyes Member

    It's weird but the only thing that seems to help is talking about it. I really hate crying with a passion so I stuff down as much as I can. I'm a passive person so I let it build up which is really bad for me and others around me. It's usually because I don't know what to do about it or how to handle it. I had bad depression back then but man this is worse now. I don't know who I am anymore and ican feel myself disassociating from everything. I rarely feel emotion even when I'm doesn't hurt anymore I just react. Since I have bipolar supposedly, I should be on medication. Go figure. Lol.
  23. Random guy Member

    You are aware both of how to help yourself and your own tendencies to do it wrong. Remember, your surroundings would much prefer that you cry an talk than digging yourself down in your own black thoughts. It is kind of tempting to go for the dignity of suffering in silence, but the reward for getting if off your heart (even if not as dignified) is much, much greater. Talk to anyone if you feels it help, even strangers on the internet!*

    * And take care to protect your identity if doing it on-line.
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  24. Anonymous Member

    This is bipolar disease. It gets worse over time so please get medication now. Why waste more time in pain when you can change things? If you gain anything from the internet let it be this.
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  25. Silent333Eyes Member

    I have been on medication before actually and it makes me more numb and worse than without. It does not help and I would rather deal with the "illness" another way. It's not severe in my point of view but I understand this is just my perspective. Do you have any sources for how it gets worse over time if you don't mind me asking. I would like to research this as well. I would also like to add that I do have a support system in place and it helps from time to time, I know what to do if I feel down or if I have too much energy. I hate that I have this label, I really do but it is what it is.
  26. Anonymous Member

    My sources are me. I can find links but you don't need academic books.
    This is a good one. It has concrete suggestions for living with the symptoms of the disease and the problems with medication side effects. It's very supportive.

    Bipolar Disease for Dummies
    I've skimmed this one and it looked good.

    The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings
    This one has good advice in a format for you to design your own program.

    There are many things you can try- exercise daily , avoid caffeine ( drink decaf) and other stimulants (decongestants), change your diet.
    Whatever you do DON't interrupt your sleep pattern! That one is key for me. You can treat your disease with lifestyle changes.
    The workbook can help you learn to avoid stress.
    It is a commitment to lifestyle change, but if you want to avoid your pain you have to change your life especially if you want to do it without medication.
    I've been around a lot of people ( including my family) who will not acknowledge the disease and don't think it's so bad, and don't recognize the horror this causes their kids and other people close to them.. In short they grow up thinking that abnormal behavior is normal and find partners and a social circle that meet those expectations.
    Bipolar people may abuse drugs and alcohol to self-medicate. If you don't control your disease your family, friends and co-workers are essentially living with an alcoholic or addict. Your kids can attend Alanon and talk to psychologists for the rest of their lives.
    This is a bit off-topic but considering that children can get abused by bipolar, mentally ill and/or addicted parents and adults (I mean pyschological abuse but sometimes physical) we must learn not to pass that on, it might stay in this forum.
    If you want to talk about it?
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  27. Anonymous Member

    One last thing-the label. Your disease can be in remission so when you get slammed for the diagnosis tell yourself ( and them) your disease is in remission. There are people that will treat you like a retard or like you are a crazy dangerous maniac. Say you have depression when you have to tell people not close to you (but not your doctor!) Call it Bipolar, or Mood disorder. It's not technically correct to call it a psychological disease.
    Good luck! You can live a better life if you want to and work at it.
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  28. Anonymous Member

    This is why Scientology is such a horror, they tell you you shouldn't use meds and direct you to use inappropriate lifestyle changes and treatments and then shame you when you get worse.
    ^^ This Is Why.
  29. Silent333Eyes Member

    Late response on my part.

    I agree though but it is a good thing I do not believe in Scientology lol. I am currently pregnant so medication is not something I can do right now. I feel I am stable for now but I am watching myself.
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  31. Anonymous Member

    Gross faggotry.
  32. Disambiguation Global Moderator

    Did not click. What is?
  33. Anonymous Member

    A vanity blog.

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