Discussion in 'Fair Game Reports and Personal Experiences' started by exOT8Michael, Jan 28, 2011.
I will leave this thread here for our new Anon trapanon...
Thank you so much for posting this for me! ^.^
I was a troubled person at the age of twelve, rejected and pushed away from my family by the appearance of gender issues. A freak I had become and completely isolated. I would find no solace with my family, or the friends I had made. I wasn’t the me I was born to be, and that trouble split me from everyone. No one would accept me no one would love me… save for one.
I met him in class. I accustomed to being alone simply drew as the teacher lectured. He would turn to me and look at my drawings. He’d smile at me despite the hatred I was given by others. I was highly effeminate often mistaken for a girl. The silly boy figured I was a girl, and had fallen in love with me… if you could call it that at that age. To me in hindsight I believe it was so. He was friendly, cheerful, always caring about other people, and he gave me his undivided attention. I was happy to have a friend like him, but our friendship would quickly evolve.
Fully accepting my gender issues, I became his “girlfriend,” he ignored all the strange looks and ridicule and after a year of being together people sort of accepted it. We were always a pair almost walking in unison, finishing each others thoughts, and talking of marriage at the age of thirteen. Most of our friends had exchanged boyfriends and girlfriends so many times we did not bother to figure out who was dating who. Another year would pass and to escape the abuse of home I moved in with him. My love took so much care of me, and I of him. We would play games, travel to different states, and get into so much mischief his mother didn’t know what to do.
Two years would pass and we discussed how I might begin therapy to become a full girl. To which in my home country, I would be considered a female and then we could marry. We would marry in Canada and live in Victoria together. I was happy at the prospects a new life in a new area as a married couple. We had been together since being kids, we still were kids, but he had my focus and I had his. There was no one else in our world.
After another year I was engaged at the early age of sixteen in a forest on his vast property. It was a private affair something between just he and I. I was so happy then, it was like my past suffering didn’t matter and I was fully accepted. We both agreed we’d marry when our respective tasks were done. Mine to change, him to get the job he always wanted. The ridicule of the past was now jealousy, and our number of friends grew. However, one of those friends was a scientologist. His parents being scientologists, he had much to say. My only concern was my love, but I remember my love listening intently. He was greatly intrigued, but I didn’t pay it any mind.
The talks would diminish and things would go back to normal over time. However, my love had been seduced by the desire to help all of humankind. I told him I had no such desires, that I wished to just share my life with him. However, his focus wasn’t shaken. I simply went along with it and supported him as a lover should. More years would pass and while reading a book (I believe was dianoetics) something clicked with him. I remember him rising up and telling me he’d like to attend the church. I told him I did not wish for anything religious in my life, having been discriminated for my choices already by every other denomination. He simply frowned at me and said that I need to understand.
What was there to understand? My little world was enough for me, I was at peace with myself and with everything. However, he would later go without me. Now this may not seem like much to one reading this, but he and I over the course of the years had never parted ways. We always remained close to each other, enrolling in the same classes, and going to the same events. We were both clingy and thus didn’t mind each other’s company. I saw this as him stretching out a little, I regretted not going with him though. The entire night I felt so sad for not going with him.
When he returned he was like a different person, invigorated yes, but he acted like a pirate who had just found buried gold. He would talk so brightly about a great deal many things that (at the time I was more focused on making dinners since he hadn‘t eaten) I couldn’t really pay any mind. He would later phone up his scientology friend and the two talked for hours. His meal got cold so I had to reheat it repeatedly until I begged him to eat something. He gave me a look I will never forget. I backed away shocked, and worried. I told myself it would pass. He used to always say I was his most precious treasure. So I simply waited, but I would find his attention waning. More and more he was out with his friend, not coming home for dinner. He would attend many more services as well.
In time I could no longer understand him. It was as if our previous connection was severed. He became secretive, he hid things from me, and slinked around behind my back often. Something he was never capable of doing before. He grew irritable with me on many occasions, called my free spiritual thinking as “nonsense,” and generally started treating me poorly. I asked him if I had done something to offend him, but he would not say. I remember as an apology I baked him a huge cake, but he wouldn’t eat it. Our time together grew shorter and shorter.
Eventually he did not come home. Alone, worried for his health, and confused I went looking for him, but I was barred in every direction. Even shoved when I got pushy. I asked where my love was and they said he was busy and that I should go home. I angrily demanded that he come home so he can eat, but I was shoved away again. Frustrated I went home, he would be gone for three or so days which felt like an eternity. However, he didn’t come to be the usually happy man I knew. He didn’t rush to pick me up telling me how painful being away was. He started packing. Why was he packing? I kept following him and asking him what he was doing.
He told me my existence was in opposition to his beliefs. I confessed that I didn’t understand them, but I was only opposed to his not spending time with me. He told me in a stern voice that he has to do this. I would follow him around the house begging him to tell me what was going on. When I finally grasped him and told him not to leave me he called me a “suppressive person” and to get out of his sight. He said my free spiritedness was just fuzziness of my brain. He then and what hurt me the most, told me that it is wrong of him to be with me. That I am disgusting for doing to my body what I was doing. That I was seducing him and corrupting him. That I was dangerous and deceitful.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from him… All I have ever done was wish him the best, learned to cook and do many things to help our lives. Everything I had done was for him. Dangerous… deceitful? When had I ever lied to him? Sometimes I told him the truth so much it was at my own expense. I couldn’t lie to my love… I declared I never lied to him. However, he would merely shove me and I would be alone in the home we once laughed and chased each other around in. I would live alone, completely surrendering thinking over his attitude. I thought maybe if I joined it would be okay, but I would learn that my trans issues weren’t accepted and they’d be “fixed.” I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be trapped in the wrong body, how is that spiritual evolution?
Eventually I would return home, but life was growing difficult. On my own I couldn’t afford anything as it was mainly my loves family’s income that supported us. He had told them to cut ties with me. Then my friends would slowly restore their old hatred of what I was. I was slowly being isolated from everyone. I went into a Hester Prynne like existence. I waited for him in my own sort of penance. A year would go by with no contact. I still waited for years. Eventually the time of our trip to Victoria cropped up. I went alone. It was our plan after all… Yet I would arrive here alone, no family, no friends, and my love no where in sight. I would live in Victoria in isolation for four years. I realized he is probably never coming back. I have been forgotten, but I will never forget him. His warmth, his kindness, his acceptance, and his love.
Eight years and I still feel so happy when I remember him… at least the majority of our time together.
Even now as I grow sour towards him and toward love in general I worry: Is he eating well? Is he getting enough hours of sleep? Is he safe? Is he getting to practice his bamboo flute? These thoughts bother me so much. So now here I am still in solitude, a modern Hester Prynne persecuted by a religion that the world is capable of laughing at.
I want to laugh too.
Hope he reads this and wakes up.
Thank you, this has been the first time I exposed this story so openly. I've kept it inside for so long. I'm not sure what I am feeling right now to be honest.
Many blessings, TrapanOn. <3
Thank you for posting this. it shows WHY Anonymous protests the Scientology cult.
Be brave, and grow to laugh again...
lol. good one
It's sad he was trapped by the Scientology enterprise and that you were collateral damage.
It's sad that you waited for him for 8 years.
Find someone else. He's never coming back.
Make a new life for yourself. Let him go.
this. I can't even respond.
Myriad love, and manifold welcomes, Trapan0n.
Here, you're a trap among traps
(the nice kind of traps; who bake cookies and hug and have hormone imbalances and weird emotional cycles.
Scientology is the not-so-nice kind of trap; who take your money and order you to hate everyone/everything in your life, yourself most of all.)
They claim they can "cure" traps.
They also claim they don't discriminate against them.
But their holy scripture says:
Traps are stuck at 1.1 - so its off to the garbage disposal, I'm afraid.
Still, those of us practicing the abomination of Sympathy, are considered lower and even more degraded than traps....
He acted like a pirate, but he wouldn't eat your cake?
Talk about confused. This is why we do it, people.
Thank you everyone for your responses. It does help a lot to recieve such warmth. Hormonal imbalances and weird emotional cycles is right haha~
I have considered finding someone else, but I have become a book worm who isn't very good at socializing over the eight years. At least socializing in person that is. I joined here to reach out to the Anon's in my area and also due to my detesting this cult who took away the only thing I cared about.
I was shocked he turned down the cake as well. It was his favourite: chocolate with chocolate sprinkes~
you could call your boyfriend the chocolate pirate. what is your favorite flavor, trapanon?
Hehe the chocolate pirate XDD My favourite flavor is strawberry cake with fresh strawberries on top~
Anonymous is a poor substitute for real relationships.
We definitely want you here, but this site is not going to give you what you need.
Isn't there a social group for transexuals in your area? There is someone out there for you, but you will never find them by hiding behind your computer.
The way to meet someone is to put yourself out there. Join social groups and try to make friends. The more acquaintances and friends you make the greater your chances of finding the right person for you. The world is a much bigger place than the few people
you interacted with in high-school, so get out there and make a life for yourself. Enough with your self-imposed reclusive lifestyle, you're too young to give up.
There was for a while, but it went down after a while. I guess lack of interest? I am actually going to a group here eventually for my emotional strife. So I am definitely looking into that. As for social groups I have read a few online and seen what they are about, but I don't mesh with them that easily. I am new to reaching out so I might be a bit sluggish. I was hoping by coming here I would meet Anons in my area to hang out and do stuff with. So you could say I am doing as you suggested a little of everything, just very slowly~
I'm thankful for your concerns and will take your advice to heart.
May I crosspost this on xenu.net in the Operation Clambake message board "Your Story Inside Scientology" section?
(or you can register at OCMB and post yourself).
Oh yes by all means~
This should be good
You said you are uncomfortable in your body? Some years ago I was made aware of http://www.isna.org. They have now given way to http://www.accordalliance.org. (EDIT: Interesting, the "link" buttons don't work but when you finish typing and then post, links are created automatically. Must be the new "forum skin".)
I suggest what you are feeling could be very real (just like Asperger's syndrome is very real for me). Beyond any scientific explanation why, these people may help you feel comfortable with yourself and figure out where you fit in in this world.
Perhaps their programs cannot personally help you in your country. But their website (and many others) can give you information.
Don't plan on your friend returning. If you plan for a life without him (where you will live and work, what to do for fun) you will find this is a big world. If he comes back, he can be a part of it. If not, you will have a fulfilling life.
Thank you for these links~ I do have a psychiatrist (OH NO!) who takes care of many of my body related issues. I am happy with my body now, I learned to accept myself a few years ago. I can tell you though I hated myself because I thought it was the reason he left me.
I think all my plans ceased when I got here. A kind of stasis if you will. I don't think he is coming back either, I am not even sure how he is doing or where he is. He severed ties from me completely. You are all right though, I need to do something. I aspire to be a writer, but that is too indoorsy.
Reading your story, Trapanon, blew my mind. For two reasons. You have given me courage to tell my story, however, my story is EXACTLY THE SAME as your story...so you have stolen my thunder. The only differences are that my story originates from the swamps of Louisiana, and I was with a beautiful young Cajun boy corrupted by the cult. Louisiana is almost like another country because our laws are based on the Napoleonic Code.
Good luck, dear. Keep trapping the imaginations of the Anons, trapanon.
I was encouraged to share my story despite it pale in comparison to the encourager~ It has actually helped me to get my story out there. I am feeling less weight so I think it will do you some good and I am glad you are going to share it.
Thank you, and good luck to you since we share the same pain.
First, let me give you the BIG HUG that you deserve.
Secondly, this is indeed why.
Thirdly, scientology is like a parasitic disease preying on humankind devised by a man devoid of love (notice how infrequent love is mentioned in scientology?), notice how he happily dropped, his first, second and third wives, how he disowned most of his children at one time or another.
L. Ron was a thoroughly rotten individual with no regard for anyone but himself and big wads of cash.
We will win this thing,
for TrapanOn, for my brother, for all the entrapped slaves of scientology.
*Hugs* Well said, and I did notice the sheer lack of love. While I tended to follow a more loving nature all my life my first love started hating that about me when he joined. It is so weird what it does to people. I didn't know he tossed out his wives like that... That is not someone I could ever follow. I believe strongly in love, a "religion" like this has no place in this world. Thank you so much Pedro~
even more BIG HUGS (free)
Yay free hugs! *hugs*
One from me as well. *hug*
Thank you for your story. It reminded me of the lesbian couple in "V for Vendetta", and I even heard the music in my head.
We're trying to keep tragedies like this from ever happening again.
*Hugs* Thank you!
It was hard for me to write, but I was glad I did it. I started writing it at 8:30pm and didn't post it until almost 12:30am. I kept breaking down and crying. I am glad for your work and it is what drew me to you guys in the first place. I happened upon a documentry "Scientology and Me" then as I was browsing more I found Anonymous Raid videos. I believe that is John Sweeney in the Anonymous avatar too. I bet he was happy to see mass protest like Anon. Hehe, you are like me and hear music when you read something.
*statement of support and reassurance*
(im to tired to think of one, but i wanted to give one very much.)
Well, would ya look at all the Big Bad Anons all stuck in a hug-fest! Trapanon, it took guts to tell your story, not just because of the Scientology aspect, but as a transgendered person throwing it out there. Are you surprised by the reaction? I'm sure Scientology would be, but then, I don't think they've ever accused us of homophobia. The fact that your welcome here is overwhelmingly positive and welcoming should tell you something about who we are as a group. Many of us share the same values. We've ridden and marched in Pride Parades as Anonymous.
I love most of these anons as much as it's possible to love a name on a monitor. I love their compassion and humanity, two things Scientology sees as weaknesses. We'll see who is left standing at the end. Welcome to Project Chanology. We hope your stay is a pleasant one. Have you seen our Light Room?
THIS IS WHY! F*ckin Disconnection!
This takes the chocolate cake with sprinkles...... The Scientologists HYPOCRITES who claim to open communication and that "there is no such policy of Disconnection!" Tommy Davis flat out lying to the world. TrapAnon..... Bless you for having the courage to tell us your story. May you find healing from the pain inflicted to you by Scientology.
Edit: Also... you mentioned that he started with reading Dianetcs. Do you have any additional information on how he actually got exposed to them? was it a stress Test Cart, or some other flyering? I'm just curious to see what methods Scilons use to sucker someone in so completely, so that we may target those methods.
*statement of agreement with statement of support and reassurance with an accompanied hug*
Your story grabs my heart and won't let go. I cried myself as I read about the high romance that took place in the forest on your boyfriend's parent's vast estate, only to have your innocent young love destroyed by the scientologists. I want to give you the sincerest hugs possible.
Trap-anons, your story breaks my heart into a million little peices. Have you even considered beginning a collection of ceramic unicorns, or are you not ready for that quite yet?
amazingly touching story... *hugs*
on a related note; you are an incredibly talented writer.
I don't do hugs but I'll be extra loud outside the local idle morgue for ya! Here, you can have a smile instead!
You are very expressive. Thank you for sharing your story. This can be a rough place. Many people here have hearts of gold though.
You deserve to be loved. I'll be thinking about you for a long time. <3
Not so much a "related" note, but really the main thing.
/me gives anon a smooch on the cheek.
I wish I had someone that would make me a chocolate cake with chocolate sprinkles. Welcome Trapanon. I'm quite sure that out there somewhere there is a group of anons protesting that would love to have you show up and protest with them, especially if there is chocolate cake with chocolate sprinkles. Not that they would only like you for the cake, but it doesn't hurt.
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