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Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

Discussion in 'Celebrity News' started by BHX, May 30, 2008.

  1. BHX Member

    Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Lottsa money there....

    Comments are open, you know what to do.

    Fed Up With ?Crackpot Theories,? Mary-Kate Olsen Turns To Scientology StarStories

    Actress is determined to dump her baggage and start life anew
    LA JOLLA, CALIF. - MAY 29, 2008 - Mary-Kate Olsen has been in three psychiatric hospitals since she was 11. She spent two of her mid-teenage years in Freudian analysis with an Italian psychiatrist. She came close to overdosing on prescription pain-killers four times at age 19. For the last eight months, she’s been working with a Jungian psychotherapist twice a week. Now the expectant 21-year-old actress says she believes the end may be in sight.
    “I met this guy named Reynaldo,” a very relaxed and confident-looking Mary-Kate said as she strolled along the beach outside her home in La Jolla. “I overheard him talking in a Starbucks down in Del Mar. He was saying how once you get clear, you don’t have any more problems. Once you get clear, all the obstructions are gone.”
    Scientology could be the answer for Mary-Kate
    Reynaldo Estaves is a member of the Church of Scientology, which was founded in New Jersey in 1953 by the late L. Ron Hubbard. Coming on the heels of Hubbard’s bestselling self-help book Dianetics (1950), the Scientology doctrine is part religion, part philosophy, part psychology and, Mary-Kate says, “just good common sense.”
    “I tried all the crackpot theories,” she said as she threw a two-foot section of a tree branch for her protection dog, Rusty, to go fetch. “I did stupid-ass therapies that cost me and my family a fucking fortune. I tried every kind of pill known to man. I cried, I beat the shit out of couch cushions and dolls that were supposed to look like my mother, I went to my church up in L.A., which probably fucked me up more than anything else. Then Reynaldo came into my life, like a gift from God.”
    After a 20-minute meeting with Estaves at Starbucks, during which the 24-year-old Cuban-born exotic dancer gave Mary-Kate an introduction to the principles of Dianetics and Scientology, the two met for a six-hour session at her house by the beach. That’s when it all came together, Mary-Kate said.
    “What I learned was that, in essence, all kinds of shit happened to me and around me during times in my life when I was unconscious,” she said. “Unconscious in Dianetics doesn’t necessarily mean like knocked out, but just when you’re really hurting physically or emotionally and you’re not able to process with your analytical mind.”
    When a person is unconscious in this way, Dianetics believes that any variety of outside messages from people, events or the person’s own perceptions will be cataloged by the “reactive mind” as truth and turned into “engrams.”
    “Reynaldo thinks I have about a hundred engrams floating around,” Mary-Kate said. “Basically an engram is like this thing in you that gets triggered and causes you all kinds of fucking hell. The problem is, you don’t realize it’s the engram that’s causing it. You think it’s somebody or something outside of you. It’s the most intelligent way of understanding it I ever heard.”
    Mary-Kate won’t be the first celebrity Scientologist
    Other celebrities such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Lisa Maria Presley and Katie Holmes have claimed affiliation with Scientology. Mary-Kate believes most celebrities suffer pain that never comes across on the screen or the stage but is hidden deep within, ready to destroy their lives. The principles of Scientology, she says, are the only remedy, and more and more “sad, hurting individuals among the ranks of the rich and famous are discovering it.”
    Mary-Kate explained that the role of Estaves in her life will be more than just that of a new friend who teaches her useful mind-theories. Beginning next week, he’ll become her “auditor.” An auditor works with a “preclear” - a person who is “aberrated” by “engrams” - to bring that person to a state of being a “Clear.”
    “I want to be a Clear so bad,” Mary-Kate said. “All my fucking life . . . hang on.” She yelled at Rusty, who was 10 yards out into the water, wrestling with an octopus. “Aus, Rusty, aus! Lass es! Heir, right now! Heir!”
    Rusty immediately dropped the octopus and galloped over to his mistress, shaking and slinging water every few feet. The dog, an 85-pound German shepherd trained in Belgium to attack and kill on command, looked up sheepishly into Mary-Kate’s eyes.
    Was ist los?” she said in the tone of a mother scolding an errant child. Rusty whined. “Was ist los? Okay, sitz.” She pointed at the sand. “Platz. Okay? Good. Anyway . . . fucking octopus. That’s like the fourth one he’s gone after this week, because he’s all pissed off that he can’t get to Salvatore, my alligator.” To Rusty she said, “Salvatore would riss sie ein neues arschloch! All right? So anyway, like I was saying, I want to be a Clear so I can feel good again.”
    During auditing, the auditor directs the preclear through steps that help her to understand herself better and identify her engrams. Mary-Kate says it’s a very involved process and should only be undertaken by someone who is well-trained and experienced.
    “Reynaldo has been doing this for like five years,” she said. “I trust him implicitly to get inside me and help me find all the shit I’ve been carrying around all my life.”
    Mary-Kate knows Ashley would disapprove
    Asked how her twin sister, Ashley, feels about the “conversion,” Mary-Kate said, “Ashley doesn’t know anything about it. She doesn’t like anything I do, so there’s no point in telling her. If I starve, it’s no good. If I raise an alligator, it’s no good. If I have sex with people I don’t know, it’s no good. If I use coke, it’s no good. It’s like I can’t do any fucking thing without her getting down my throat over it. So fuck it, let her figure it out when I’m clear and kicking ass for the first time in my life.”
    Rusty barked at a seagull.
    “Yeah, that’s a better target for you than octopuses and alligators,” Mary-Kate told him and patted his head. Then more quietly, “Rusty has a number of engrams, too, I think. I’m pretty sure he got most of them when they trained him how to kill people. Reynaldo said he was going to see if they’ll let Rusty join the Scientology church and go through auditing, too.”
  2. Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Poor thing. She's obviously vulnerable and desperate for something - ANYTHING - to work. And this guy just sold her a million dollars worth of snake oil. Too bad no one has her email address so she can get educated.
  3. AnonyMAX Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I really hope this isnt true:frustration:
  4. anonEmouser Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    This almost sounds like a damned parody/satire piece.
  5. tazor Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    LOL
  6. tazor Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Did anybody actually READ the whole article? hahaha
  7. highoverlord Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    taz dont u work? i sent u another pm hehe
  8. eksef Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    “I trust him implicitly to get inside me and help me find all the shit I’ve been carrying around all my life.”

    I lol'd
  9. Anonyknit Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I'd bet money this isn't true - sounds like another completely made-up celeb "interview".
  10. the_leif Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    ...Yeah I'm pretty sure this is satire.
  11. anon_david Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Did anyone else find the bits about the dog really bizarre? The yelling in German and the bit about clearing him (lol scilons will do anything for the cash).

    I lol'd. Is it really that difficult for her to find something healthy to do?

    I'm voting for parody. This is all too weird.
  12. Dr.McNinja Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Here is what we should do. We cant let another multi million celeb fall into the abyss. We need to contact Ashley some how, that is gonna be our main point of information. Lets face it, the most powerful force in someones life is their family, especially twins, so we should inform Ashley about the facts of Co$. Remember, Magoo said celebs are insulated. No matter what happens this will only turn out great for us, and the celebrity gossip machine will work for us. If Ashley brings Mary-Kate back, we wrestled one from the jaws of Co$. If Ashley can't save her sister, Mary Kate will have to disconnect. IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST PR FLAP IN HISTORY IF AN IDENTICAL TWIN IS STRONG ARMED TO DISCONNECT, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE THE OLSON TWINS. Someone get me contact info for Ashley. We gotta tell her the truth about Scientology.
  13. imaghost Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I'm just glad she's finally getting real help :)
  14. anonh2078 Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    her dog kicks a lot of ass, it will kick so much ass when it is clear as well
    (adding to Tazor's "did anyone read the whole article" sentiment
  15. Asian-anon Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    FAKE! Well, actually, if you really think about it, are $cilons above auditing a dog if their owner is worth millions? I THINK NOT, faggots. Lol
  16. Scientragedy Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Hey! Auditing might turn a Pit Bull into a Poodle...

    or should I say, might turn a Poodle into a Pit Bull?
  17. Bumblefuck Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    octopus fighting dogs are the BEST kind of dogs :colbert:
  18. I Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    whether it's true or not, maybe someone should drop a line to the author telling them what engrams really are (body thetans) :razz:
  19. Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Maybe her people will release a statement disproving the Scilon claim??? :woot: Heck, James Kyson Lee did it!
  20. Kilia Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Hey, Mary Kate...warning..... this is ANOTHER one of them thar!
    Boy is SHE gonna be in for a crude awakening!
  21. D... Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    EDIT

    Parody you say?
  22. waz1 Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    "Mary-Kate Olsen has been in three psychiatric hospitals since she was 11. She spent two of her mid-teenage years in Freudian analysis with an Italian psychiatrist. She came close to overdosing on prescription pain-killers four times at age 19. For the last eight months, she’s been working with a Jungian psychotherapist twice a week. Now the expectant 21-year-old actress says she believes the end may be in sight."

    Technically, per $cientology, she is an "illegal pc" and would not be entitled to auditing.
    Perhaps money will buy her way.
  23. xenubuster Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    May I be the first to say, "and nothing of value was lost"?
  24. Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    [IMG]
  25. CherrieZ Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Uhhhh, I'm assuming she hasn't been told the CO$ is a money sucking fiend....ESPECIALLY to folks who have a couple bucks to spare?!

    Didn't think so.
  26. MarcabEmpress Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Anon-david, noting bizarre about "yelling in German," protection dogs are trained using German commands; it's a specific form of training called schitzhund. I wonder if she has an exotic pet license for that alligator.

    That being said
    This is the BEST celebrity article I have ever read, it reads like a parody, but who cares. OMG ROFL, whether it's true or not, the writer captured the absolute looniness and capped it off with auditing the dog.

    SAVE RUSTY!!!!
  27. Erra Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111


    Agreed. That dog is too cool to be brainwashed by Scientology. WE MUST SAVE RUSTY. Maybe we should tell him about all the dog related deaths due to Scientology. Somebody get on making Whyarethedogsdead.com
  28. misskittie Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I think everyone's humour chips are malfunctioning, that article is hilarious! And if there is any truth, fuck Mary Kate, SAVE RUSTY!
  29. anonandsuch Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I don't know if it's parody or not but i lol'd. The fact that this does not seem out of the realm of possibility for Mary Kate is both sad and hilarious. I always thought ashley was cooler, or at least saner.
  30. DeathHamster Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Hey, that'd be a $100,000 FSM sales commission for him! Ka-Ching! (Plus major points for roping a celebrity.)
  31. anon_david Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    IAWTC

    Oh, I didn't know this. What's wrong with good old "sit" and "stay" and "I'm going to get the rolled-up newspaper"?
  32. Sargo Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I WISH MY DOG CHASED OCTOPUSES


    fucken cruise controll
  33. ANON E MOOSE Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    This literally dances on the knife edge of too insane to be real. But celebs can have pretty bizarre day to day lives.
  34. .L. Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    “Reynaldo has been doing this for like five years,” she said. “I trust him implicitly to get inside me and help me find all the shit I’ve been carrying around all my life.”

    god i lol'ed. but i agree nothing of value has been lost
  35. Delta Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    ITT: lots of "WHOOSH" sounds.
  36. Scientragedy Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I smell Octopussy.
  37. Underpants? Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111


    Literally? Wow.
  38. 404 Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    I LOLed. Reads like parody to me. Even if it didn't, I can't imagine either of those sisters swearing freely in an interview, and I certainly can't imagine that one of them would do something so significant as get into Scientology and give an interview about it before telling her twin sister.
  39. MarcabEmpress Member

  40. Scientragedy Member

    Re: Mary Kate Olsen a scilon?!!??!!111

    Examine the title...

    "Fed Up With “Crackpot Theories,” Mary-Kate Olsen Turns To Scientology"

    $cientology is NOT a "Crackpot Theory?"
    That is too funny.

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