Editing/Wordsmithing needed for occupy-related statement

Discussion in 'Production Studio' started by MacGuffin, Nov 3, 2011.

  1. MacGuffin Member

    For those who haven't seen it, Occupy Bucharest has written a manifesto here:

    I feel that the fundamental ideas expressed in the manifesto are fantastic, but I also think it could use a lot of wordsmithing and editing to make it the kind of statement that could (and should) be used widely.

    Anyone willing to take a crack at it?
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Anonymous Member

    I'll take a look. I know it's a manifesto but, goddamn tl;dr...
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Anonymous Member

    OP, this essay is too rich for my blood, but here's a revision of the opening paragraphs. The rest needs cutting by about 2/3 IMO.
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Luca Oprea Member

    I wrote that, and while it needs an abridged version in order to be more easily read by those who are short on time, it needs no "wordsmithing".

    The example of "wordsmithing" provided in the post above perfectly shows why. It has taken something that flows on several levels of meaning, and turned it into clunky writing.

    If anyone wants to try and abridge it, please do so. But don't "edit" something which is a voice, especially if it is, indeed, too rich for your blood.
  5. Anonymous Member

    Get over yourself, please.
  6. Luca Oprea Member

    Mate, I'm not gonna get over myself.

    I am a "wordsmith" by profession, so I do not appreciate the idea that this Manifesto needs to be whittled down into something far inferior.
  7. Anonymous Member

    I don't even wanna know the 'several levels of meaning that flows on.'

    Difficult to read, run on sentences, use of 5 words when 1 would do, sounds preachy, inaccessible to audience,

    Good fucking luck with that. If I was your editor I'd send you back to the drawing board.
    • Like Like x 2
  8. Luca Oprea Member

    If you were my editor, I'd be working for the school newspaper.

    Of course you don't want to know. That's what I'm talking about.

    Same with 5 words for one. Children always think they can reduce stuff easily.

    That's why children break things.

    Anyway, I'm sorry I spoiled your day by sounding preachy. Lots of others appreciated both the content, the length, and the quality of writing.
  9. Anonymous Member

    • Like Like x 1
  10. arwenevenstar Member

    Hi, graphic designer/copywriter here. The manifesto is interesting but I need to go over it a couple of more times. It follows some concepts I have been coming across lately and I understand it BUT it's language, though good, might be a bit difficult for the average layman. Just my opinion.

    To edit it might be difficult since it is a work entire but I will go over it again.

    I did come across an accessible exposition and would like to share it with you as an example, the concepts are more 'poetic' in it but they have punch and enough info that the average person would be able to determine the 'reasons' behind the movement and also see some sort of direction, it's also inclusive to most sectors of society. I realize the 'american' bias but it's a jumping off point, copyrights aside:

    From Infoshop - by Arthur J. Miller

    “Few trends could so thoroughly undermine the foundations of our free society as the acceptance by corporate officials of a social responsibility other than to make as much money for their stockholders as possible.” Milton Friedman.

    The 400 richest families in the U.S. hold as much wealth as the bottom 50% combined. 1% of the people control 40% of the wealth. Since 2009, 88% of income growth went to corporate profits and 1% went to wages. And now the greedy few are orchestrating one of the largest power and wealth gabs ever at the expense of the rest of us. .

    “The working class and the employing class have nothing in common.” From the IWW Preamble

    The deafening roar of the bootsteps of the march of corporate fascism can be heard throughout the world. The horrendous sound of the exploitation of all for the benefit of a few. The human herd hears those sounds and is told it is the sound of progress, more jobs and a better way of life. The human herd becomes intoxicated by the fantasies of the professional deceivers. Hoping against all hope that the good life they will gain, never realizing that the good life is for but a few leaches. The pitiful poor raise their heads up and ask “can I have more? I have so little now.” The rich proclaims that we are in hard times and the suffering must be shared by all. OCCUPY!

    Pity the suffering rich as they wear the latest fashion statements, made by sweatshop workers, often children, that one outfit costs more than most workers around the world make in a month. Eat food that the cost of which could feed 50 poor families. Drive cars that cost more than most workers make in years of labor. Live in fine homes that the cost of which could house 100 or more working families. Pity the suffering rich when the international economic and political system of corporate fascism is designed for them to accumulate massive wealth while others must do without. OCCUPY!

    The earth shudders with the pounding of the bombs in the interest of corporate control. Bombs for peace, that is the peace of total subjection, bombs for freedom, the freedom of the many to be exploited by the few. This peace and freedom has been a bloody affair, but the blood flows from the bottom, not the top. The human herd mutilates itself in moribund rituals of death, dancing bravely in human carnage. Not understanding that working people fight and kill each other in the interests of that which forces them into servitude. OCCUPY!

    A small baby child cries out in the night, there is nothing for her, in a long line of nothing for societies nobodies. There is nothing for you dear child, it is all spent else where. Governments of the world spend over one trillion dollars a year on the military so that you may feel safe in your hunger. 21% of children in the U.S. live on poverty. OCCUPY!

    Our Elders who worked hard all their lives, both on their jobs and raising the next generation deserve to be able to retire with dignity and financial security. But the greedy few now are going after their pension plans, social security and health care, as another means to increase their wealth at the expense of the many. OCCUPY!

    We do all the useful, needed, work in society, but many of us cannot even get basic medical coverage. Over 40 million in the U.S. have no medical coverage. Many more do not have enough medical coverage. Many of us must fight with greedy medical insurance companies over the medical care we need. Many of us, though we have medical coverage, find that our medical conditions are not covered because they are “preexisting conditions”. The greedy ones of the medical industry gouge the economy by outrageous prices for medical care. The medical drug industry inflates the cost of medication to the point that many cannot afford it. While many must choose between food and their medicine. This clearly is a crime against humanity. OCCUPY!

    So many working people die each year on their jobs and next to never are their employers held accountability for those deaths. Often the death of workers are no accident, but rather the direct result of greed where the rich accumulate greater profit by cutting costs at the expense of worker safety. When workers die on the job, at best the employers must pay a fine. In many cases this is nothing more than legalized murder. If you or I caused the death of others by outright negligence, we would find ourselves in a prison cell. OCCUPY!

    Our land is a magnificent land of beauty and resources, but much of it is owned and exploited by the rich who acquired it by means of a policy of genocide of the original people and the outright theft of their land. This continues to this day. This system keeps Leonard Peltier in prison, now for 36 years, for standing up to this policy and defending his people from attack. And still this all is cerebrated on Columbus Day. OCCUPY!

    WE, that is humanity, do not live outside of our environment. Rather we are a part of the environment and depend upon it to survive. The greedy ones exploit, abuse and pollute the environment for their own profit. And now they seek to dismantle environmental laws to increase their wealth even more. This clearly shows that their deranged lust for more even goes beyond the basic instinct of survival. Their madness of gluttony so overwhelms them that their existence places the human society in a suicidal mode. OCCUPY!

    Economic crisis that was created by greed, has the government bailing out those responsible for it while cutting programs for those that are not responsible for the crisis, but are only victims of it. In other words the rich get too greedy and cause great hardship and the solution is to make working people pay the costs. While the rich take advantage of the situation to increase their wealth by outsourcing jobs and trying to break unions. OCCUPY!

    The dream weavers proclaim the coming of great things for all, if we only give our betters their due. For wealth will trickle down to us below when the rich have all they want. WE have heard that song and dance before. International trade agreements, we were told, would create good jobs for all. 5 years later where are those jobs? We were deceived then as they seek to deceive us now. WE will not be deceived again! OCCUPY your own mind and think for yourself.

    Enough all ready! The human herd proclaims. We will not be silent fools. OCCUPY!

    What started out as a movement to Occupy Wall Street has now spread across the land and throughout the world. OCCUPY! Time to take what is rightfully ours.

    The greedy parasites, who are nothing more than vampires feeding upon the host body of humanity, terrible when they hear, OCCUPY! The human herd is in rebellion.

    The politicians seek to move the grassroots movement from the streets to the ballot box. But the truth is revealed, it is us in the streets that are standing up to the greed and not those in the halls of political scoundrels. OCCUPY!

    Let it be understood by all, working people do all the necessary labor in any society. No society could exist without working people. Those who exploit us, have no usefulness in our world. We have the needed skills, knowledge and ideas to run things ourselves. Time to dump the greedy parasites off our backs. OCCUPY!

    To those OCCUPIERS who are arrested, they can jail you but they cannot jail the spirit of OCCUPY. WE all stand in solidarity with you, for you are in there for us, and we will be out here for you. Jails will not break the rebellion, for we are struggling to break out of an economic/political system that imprisons us as a class. So we say to the forces of repression, WE will OCCUPY your jails too.

    As all grassroots movements progress, OCCUPY should go in the logical direction of OCCUPYING workplaces and communities. OCCUPY BP for murdering workers on an oil rig and fouling the Gulf Coast. OCCUPY hospitals who refuse medical treatment for the uninsured. OCCUPY companies that out source jobs or try to break unions. OCCUPY our workplaces and stop producing wealth for the rich and start producing for the well-being of all. OCCUPY!

    Arthur J. Miller
    Just an old shipyard worker
  11. Dragononymous Member

    You want this thing to come up as search result #1 for occupy on google??
  12. Spider Brown Member

    Arthur J. Miller needs an editor. I am currently available.
    • Like Like x 1
  13. barbiluv Member

    finish making ur speedball daddy an than work u like it like that
    • Like Like x 1
    • Dislike Dislike x 1

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